Settling

Must we become less vulnerable, and more cloistered, as we grow older? Can we find a place for ourselves?

I moved into a new apartment 4 weeks ago. As I write in my new apartment, I feel somewhat settled. I try and I try to steer myself in a direction, over months or years, and my life changes. The destination is not so clear, and neither is the beginning. But at least today, I had a housewarming where I saw 12 of my friends and enjoyed their company over a couple hours, and I remembered all the time I had spent with each of them alone in the past. I imagine the time I will spend with each of you in the future.

As I told one of you, my trajectory is that of a Cauchy sequence leading up to this point. If you know the past, you can predict the future.

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You know, I would not remember how past days felt if not for the words I wrote and photos I took. They say words and photos convey meaning, but personal choices like tone and viewpoint convey perspective. I see all the ways I explore as I try to do everything over time. Eventually, rather than do everything, I have inevitably settled like everyone else.

When I started college in 2019, I did not know what I wanted to study. I did not even really know what I wanted to do. Certainly, I wanted to establish myself, learn about computers, and create software I was proud of. But beyond that, my interests and friends, hobbies, hopes and dreams (and fears), favorite techniques, media … how to spend time on a languid Saturday afternoon … had yet to be reified.

Something is really exciting about not knowing what you will do, or who you will meet. You could do anything! You could meet anyone. When you walk into New York City for the first time from Penn Station or JFK Airport, you’re overpowered by sights, sounds, and smells. The city beckons to you. It asks, “what will you accomplish here?” and, “who will you meet?” I think that’s the magic of not having settled; as you do these actions, you gradually learn what makes you tick. It’s in this way that learning about computers or music taught me about myself.

Being settled means knowing who you’ll talk to after a long day after work, or what places you’ll visit on a day off. You hear the music of the urban neigborhood you live in. Its about being happy with what you have achieved and not constantly looking for more.

It means that instead of starting new projects at a blistering pace, exploring something new week by week, you repeatedly put time into long-term pursuits, and these actions become a sort of daily ritual.

I may live in this apartment for the next year, or perhaps for the next 5 years. How will I have changed by 2029? And how will the world change? (Ultimately, even when I look back at a time and think that it represents my best work, I recognize the actual experience was characterized by struggle and mundane progress, forging my way through one task at a time.) Unlike people, the world is almost definitely not a Cauchy sequence, and it’s diverging from the present at incredible speed.

Still, I have my values and beliefs. They are what allow me to smile warmly at you and appreciate your company. As a technologist, my work is in service to the beliefs and aspirations of other people who rely on technology every day, and to the places they inhabit. I care about my work because I care about you, and that endlessly draws me toward my pursuit as the fickle magic of novelty wears off.